i am a burn out

I like school. I like my classmates, my friends, my teachers; I like to learn.

I like eating lunch in the courtyard, exchanging words of ease with the people around me.

It's not hard for me to be happy at school.

I like it.


But I am tired. I am extraordinarily, depressingly tired. I am like a melting candle, and my wick is running out. I just want to smile and run down the streets. Just one more day.

My room is a mess. My shelves are cluttered, my bed unkempt, my book shelf disorganized, covered in scarves and socks and weird shit I don't recognize. While I love the imperfections I witness in my world, in art, in writing, I demand perfection in school, and it's driving me insane.

Essays must be reread 3-5 times after completion.

Grammatical mistakes are not acceptable.

Projects must include 20% more than what the requirements demanded.

When studying for tests, extra research and a deeper-than-necessary-understanding is a must.

You must know everything.
You must learn everything.
You must ace everything.

Pressure is like a chemical burn, slowly eating through your skin as it makes its way around your body. No matter how much you try to dilute the burn with water, it doesn't help.

Pressure is like being crushed by a stampede of elephants. Followed by a stampede of hippos.

Pressure to succeed pressure to excel pressure.

We cannot learn for the sake of learning.
We are penalized when we don't understand, when we make mistakes.
So how are we supposed to learn that it's okay to make errors?
We aren't taught to make mistakes in order to further our understanding, to take risks, to appreciate failure as an opportunity to do better.

We are taught that failure will lead to crappy jobs and shitty futures.
The world is so fucked uppppppppp.

I am burned out and tired.
Two years into high school has resulted in good grades, at the cost of dozens of panic attacks, tears, headaches, anxiety, insomnia, sleepless nights.

Is that even worth it?

Mondrian

Beautiful Beautiful Beautiful.
Peaceful.

let's just take a moment to smell some daisies

Why are you stupid.

Fuck off.

Unimpressed.

My room is messy. I think it adds character to my bedroom. It's realistic too. The clutter in my room represents who I am: a person with a cluttered, jumbled mind who hoards things and collects stuff, and is obsessed with the prettiness of tiny pieces of paper she's found on the ground. I'm currently working on writing a letter to my penpal Katia. We bonded over blogging and Rookie and decided to partake in the ancient pass time of writing and sending mail to friends and acquaintances, i.e. each other.

UGH. These photos are semi-pixelated which is annoying. I can't tell if my camera is just really cruddy, or if it's because I cropped/zoomed them. I feel like it's both. 

I'm going to be a flower garden for Halloween! I'm pumped to the bone. 

I'm reading Hamlet by Chuck Norris in English. Wow just kidding it's written by William Shakespeare.

Let's just hope you knew that.

I went to my first Environmental Club meeting today! It was my first time going because it was the first time I remembered to go. It was really fun and everyone was super nice! We are doing some environmental related project right now, but I spaced out when they were explaining what it was so I don't really know what's going on. 

mary janes

Hello Hello Hello!!
How's life everyone?
Lately, my life has consisted of school, friends, tumblr, and food.

I kind of love school. I just love being around everyone and making friends and having so many people to talk to all the time. I can't imagine just staying home everyday, I'd get so bored! Even on the weekends, I'm out 2/3 days usually. Then again though, I do love being by myself sometime's, and just making cool stuff and listening to music and watching TV.

I haven't really done a blog post in a really long time. It's because recently I've been taking most of my pictures on my film camera and I haven't had the chance to develop my film yet! I can't decide if I should get a disk, prints, or both. Both costs like, $15 and I don't know if I want to spend that much. I could just scan all the prints, but that would take a while. I think I'll just do that though, because I love having tangible memories.

Some photos of what I wore to school a few days ago. I realize now it would have looked awesome with my Bikini Kill pleather jacket. If you notice my feet/shoes, you will see some incredible black Doc Marten mary janes. You probably recognize them from other posts. I got them for my birthday in May and I kind of love them more than anything in the entire world. I think I'll wear them until the day I die.

My style has been evolving really weirdly. I'm obsessed with environmental-looking outfits, as in lot's of browns and rusts and reds and neutral colors, as well as flowy shirts and woven fabrics and brown beads and shells and wintery coats for warmth, as well as vintage and quirkiness and stuff. What I'm currently doing at school is a perfect representation of my style, since I'm in the Environmental Club and doing costumes for the school play. Wahoo, life!

I'm also getting really interested in photography and film. I think I'm going to make a short film soon, just for the heck of it. I don't think it'll be scripted or anything, but mainly just me creepily watching people and documenting what they do, and/or filming my friends, and/or actually writing a script of SOME sort, and just doing something funky and fun!! I'll probably include/do it with my amazing friend Maya who is kind of my other half!

For a while/earlier this year, I didn't really care about dressing really crazy and stuff, I was just too lazy, but now I'm really focused on dressing fun and just loving what I wear and feeling all unique!

so whateva cya layta.

the masked teen

Please at least read the thing that says READ THIS THING. But please read everything.

You guys probably recognize this outfit from my Rookie post. I just saw this photo of me wearing it, and I think I/my pose looks cool so I just decided to post the photo/outfit again. I feel like my interest in fashion is dying out. I think it's partly due to frustration, and the fact that I just have no idea what I like to wear or what my style is. I'm also just becoming really interested in other things, like school and art and writing. I'm also still just really, really, really not sure who I am or what my personality is (yeah how said is that I'm like, not even sure what my personality is. wutdafuck) and due to this it's really hard to know what I like to wear. I still love fashion and clothes, but I'm more into making and embellishing clothes and making pieces look really cool, rather than like, actually dressing "fashionably." Because like, nobody is fashionable, or should I say, nobody is UNfashionable. Actually, I'd rather just say nobody is fashionable. Being fashionable is just impossible, it's more about being creative. Like, what is considered "fashionable" just bores me half to death. Like, oh wow, impressive! A neutral colored maxi skirt with some Jeffrey Campbell heels and a sheer button down! WOW, FASHIONABLE. Sure, it looks nice and it's pretty and "stylish." But it's not creative or inspiring or different, and to me fashion is being creative and inspiring and different. It's about pushing boundaries. So I guess there are fashionable people, but to me you're only fashionable if your style is different and unique and inspiring. I don't think I'm fashionable, I'm just too lazy to be inspiringly daring. I don't even know what I'm talking about I'm tired. I wish I was fashionable but sometimes I don't have the confidence to dress super duper daring, or to like, dye my hair pink or get really short bangs. I think once I'm 100% confident and less angsty I'll dress better because I'll know myself better.

These are masks from my mask collection. So far I have three masks in my collection. I'm hunting for more. I like masks because they're symbolic of the changes teenagers go through and how we're constantly adopting different characteristics and personalities as we try to discover who we are (ignore the cliché).

READ THIS THING

I'd also like to report that English is still my favorite subject. Discussing books and eloquently presenting opinions and various representations of themes and other crud in books is literally like my favorite thing to do in school. We're currently reading/discussing Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse, and we were talking about learning and blah blah, and I said something like 'In Siddhartha, Siddhartha and Govinda and all the characters are able to choose their own path, and can learn what they want. They don't need to rush to understand anything or blah blah, and in school, we are learning in order to take tests and go to college. We have to understand things in time to be tested on the material, and there isn't any time to muddle through things. We aren't really learning for ourselves, because we need to learn certain things so we can be judged on how well we've learn them. It's not about how what we learn affects or changes us, it's about how well we learn what we need to learn in order to please the people who partake in deciding our future.' You know, something like that. People in my class responded and understood and stuff, and I was really happy I said it because I think it brought up a lot of interesting points, and made people think, including my teacher, who I'm not sure if I insulted or not. I don't think I insulted him... but who knows. He seemed kind of amused when I said it, but I'm not sure. What do you guys think about what I said though? Agree, disagree? LET'S HAVE A FAKE ENGLISH CLASS AND DISCUSS SAID PASSAGE IN THE COMMENTS.

Oh, and I drew another pepper. I'm like, obsessed with drawing peppers. What do you guys think? I need to work on the highlights for sure...