Back again.

You could say I took a moderate to significant blogging hiatus. I use this blog primarily to share my inspiration and aspirations, and for a bit too long my mind was on an inspiration declination. But now that tingly feeling that starts in my heart and spreads throughout my body has returned, and it's like that thirst for satisfaction has returned to me. 

I've been getting more interested in poetry. I like what I write but I hate performing so I'll probably never get the courage to share them with anyone. My poems are basically small expressions of my bottled up emotions that drag me down under into a black, confusing ocean - so deep I can't see through the salt water, losing myself in the darkness as I get lost while getting stronger. I don't express myself verbally, for my words get twisted in salty tears that wet my face with damp expression. I prefer art and pretty pros that romanticize my frustration.

I feel like going exploring, running down empty streets surrounded by hills, turning unknown corners just to see something nobody has bothered to notice before. I like the unconventional, the twisted, the senseless-confusion and the ugly that people pass by and choose to ignore. The insignificance that breathes life and story is what I long to discover and to hear. Permission is a hindrance that we accept and wait for. Action is a rhythm we strive to feel the beat for. Passion is the lust for life we long to grasp hold of as the birds above are heads fly swiftly, taking over. When will we take flight higher and higher, to the moon and into the galaxy that is ours to conquer. Don't wait for the yes that will push you forward, give yourself permission to discover your own glory.


i don't really know.

This post? I don't really know. How do I feel? Hmm... not really sure. What am I thinking? Trust me, I wish I knew. 

If before I felt my life was moving too fast, now it feels as though my life isn't moving along at all. I feel like I'm trapped in some black hole, blindly wandering around trying to find my way into the light again. I feel like I'm seeing things out of a clouded glass dome. Nothing is clear, everything is foggy, confusing, and unfocused, and I can't seem to rap my mind around the realities of anything I'm experiencing. It's like there is some wall I've recently built up in my mind, preventing me from understanding and seeing things as I should be. If I'd gotten past this wall before, I've somehow fallen behind it again. 

alexandra levasseur

Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe

My So-Called Life


paradise found paradise formed

I just watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I kicked my dad out of the living room so I could unabashedly grin and cry and be emotional without the hindrance of human interference.

It was honestly the most perfect movie I've ever experienced. I don't want to fangirl about it... it deserves more than that. If I am going to write about it, I want my words to be eloquent, because I feel the movie deserves that.

It was so relatable. If I were to be any of the characters, I would be Charlie mixed with Sam or Patrick. I don't want to go into explaining why though.

The movie helped settle my anxiety. It allowed me to feel at peace with my status as an unsuave, unpopular human being. I like being a misfit. I identify as a misfit... even within my friend group, I feel a little out of place. Which makes me sad in some ways. I wish I had friends that completely understood me and could see me even when I couldn't see myself. I think friends like that are so rare and I hope one day I find some. People change so much and so often that it's hard to really know people. As people change and discover themselves, it's like they lose part of themselves along the way.

Blogging has been becoming more of a search for inspiration rather than a sharing of things that inspire me. I feel rather dead at times and it is kind of bringing me down. I wish I could wake up and drive for hours with a friend, listening to music and screaming out the windows. I feel unsettled and it's bothering me. I can sense something is missing. Like, I'm supposed to have found something or someone already but I haven't, and now everything is going a little wrong. I'd just like to open my window one day and see what I'm supposed to be seeing, rather than blindly searching for something that doesn't want to be found.