human nature

i spent the day listening to broadway showtunes, wishing so badly i was talented enough to go on broadway. i can't act though, and i can't sing. i'm a bad actor, not by choice, but by nature. i love the idea of acting, but once i'm on stage, in front of an audience, actually acting, i can't act, and i hate every minute of being on stage. i'm simply playing myself, a terrified, petrified version of myself, who stutters and is pale and unemotional. i'm an okay singer. i can stay in tune but my voice isn't one you'd necessarily want to hear on the radio, and i also lack range. it's kind of ironic, because i have my moments where i want nothing more than to be in the spotlight, and to be the center of attention, but once i'm actually there, in the actual spotlight, on a stage, i hate it. in social situations it's kind of the same. i don't like being ignored, but i also don't like talking about myself or having to entertain people, knowing that if i don't, they'll get bored and leave. that's probably the worst feeling in the world, feeling like you have to entertain someone in order for them to stick around. my dad and i always say, that you know you have a friend when you can sit in silence for a few minutes and not feel uncomfortable or awkward, and practically not even notice you aren't talking. good friends don't need to fill those silent intervals with words. those non-uncomfortable, non-awkward moments of silence between you and another person are kind of precious. silence is a really beautiful thing, because then you start to notice everything else around you. you notice the funny ways people walk, you can hear dozens of sounds at once, and it's because your brain is at peace, which seems to be a rarity these days.